begin to form
Aug. 30th, 2022 04:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
uglyficslike return to form? get it? anyway. i'm back at college and weirdly this is the first time i've physically come back to school for a consecutive year since uhhh going from junior to senior year in high school which is crazy to think about. i'm definitely in more of a reflective mood.
what else do i want to cover?
i guess friendship has been interesting/difficult as well recently... so many of my friends are coupling up in relationships that feel very permanent right as we're all about to head separate ways has definitely caused some tension, as the ones in relationships cling to each other before it ends and the single ones grow ever-louder (but carefully so) about their loneliness. it's strange, too, to be watching this as someone almost in both categories... also many of my friends are straight women or women who are mostly interested in dating men and i've been thinking a lot about how that changes our social identities. dating someone amab who isn't out to everyone and uses he/him pronouns has really revealed to me how much womens' social identities — or i mean my identity/power in the eyes of others — are controlled by that factor, even among other "feminist" women, from my mother (who has known about my interest in fashion since i was a child) asking if he's okay with how i dress to friends assuming i wouldn't be "allowed" to hang out alone with certain people. i've also become somewhat disappointed in some of my friends' inability to recognize neoliberalism and capital's fundamental role in the power structures that exist (for a brief example: girlbossing unironically is... not feminist actually, and neither is objectifying random men we know personally) but that's another topic that i need to reflect on more.
i'm excited for the new year, but it's definitely one defined by its tension — at least right now. i'm not finding myself particularly likeable, but i think that's because i'm at the tail end of a formative period/transition and those are always a little ugly. i got rehired for my on campus job that i'm not technically trained for even though there are apparently 43 brand new applicants and currently have a double all to myself so i can't say i have much to complain about.
on a fandom note, i've gotten really into f1. i don't actually care about any of the drivers that much (carlos sainz is regrettably very hot) but the set-up? insane. sooooo on the nose i swear this has to be a big joke. it's a sport but EXPLICITLY controlled by how much money u have and EXPLICITLY about winning more money. and the men cry over it. it's hilarious social commentary without even trying.
i have a lancesteban het au bouncing around in my head bc HELLOOOO imagine the consequences in an au where the first female driver is a pay driver with a billionaire daddy. and then add esteban's whole I'm Not A Richboy narrative. and then they have compatible personalities apparently? i don't actually know what their personalities are. But. listen. the dynamics would be so much more interesting if gender was involved are you insane like me? HES GANGLY AND OLDER but technically doesnt have as much power... are u going to give him power over u? what about your emotions? hello the possibilities?? r u insane like me? anyway. i liked ive's new song a lot but newjeans gives me bad vibes which is also an interesting study of my personal biases.. Hm!
i've gone off the deep end at this point </3 xoxo see u next time
what drove me to post this was going to class today — in short it's about medieval european architecture, and actually only around half of the class was white... but for them to be the only ones talking the entire time, making jokes about one guy whose ancestors literally owned several castles, and how dark the world must have been with the great empire of rome fallen.... put me in such a bad mood it surprised me. it wasn't difficult, really, but i've been lucky enough to avoid that kind of yt obliviousness recently and to be reminded of it did kind of suck.
what else do i want to cover?
i guess friendship has been interesting/difficult as well recently... so many of my friends are coupling up in relationships that feel very permanent right as we're all about to head separate ways has definitely caused some tension, as the ones in relationships cling to each other before it ends and the single ones grow ever-louder (but carefully so) about their loneliness. it's strange, too, to be watching this as someone almost in both categories... also many of my friends are straight women or women who are mostly interested in dating men and i've been thinking a lot about how that changes our social identities. dating someone amab who isn't out to everyone and uses he/him pronouns has really revealed to me how much womens' social identities — or i mean my identity/power in the eyes of others — are controlled by that factor, even among other "feminist" women, from my mother (who has known about my interest in fashion since i was a child) asking if he's okay with how i dress to friends assuming i wouldn't be "allowed" to hang out alone with certain people. i've also become somewhat disappointed in some of my friends' inability to recognize neoliberalism and capital's fundamental role in the power structures that exist (for a brief example: girlbossing unironically is... not feminist actually, and neither is objectifying random men we know personally) but that's another topic that i need to reflect on more.
i'm excited for the new year, but it's definitely one defined by its tension — at least right now. i'm not finding myself particularly likeable, but i think that's because i'm at the tail end of a formative period/transition and those are always a little ugly. i got rehired for my on campus job that i'm not technically trained for even though there are apparently 43 brand new applicants and currently have a double all to myself so i can't say i have much to complain about.
on a fandom note, i've gotten really into f1. i don't actually care about any of the drivers that much (carlos sainz is regrettably very hot) but the set-up? insane. sooooo on the nose i swear this has to be a big joke. it's a sport but EXPLICITLY controlled by how much money u have and EXPLICITLY about winning more money. and the men cry over it. it's hilarious social commentary without even trying.
i have a lancesteban het au bouncing around in my head bc HELLOOOO imagine the consequences in an au where the first female driver is a pay driver with a billionaire daddy. and then add esteban's whole I'm Not A Richboy narrative. and then they have compatible personalities apparently? i don't actually know what their personalities are. But. listen. the dynamics would be so much more interesting if gender was involved are you insane like me? HES GANGLY AND OLDER but technically doesnt have as much power... are u going to give him power over u? what about your emotions? hello the possibilities?? r u insane like me? anyway. i liked ive's new song a lot but newjeans gives me bad vibes which is also an interesting study of my personal biases.. Hm!
i've gone off the deep end at this point </3 xoxo see u next time
